The Fear of Work, the Failure of a Husband and Father
I had just stepped down from the pulpit Sunday morning in a packed New England church. We had snow the night before, had finished a men’s conference about 8:00 pm, in time to watch the New England Patriots in a driving snow storm beat the Oakland Raiders and advance to the AFC Championship game.
But all was not well with the lady who approached me with a determined step and blurted out that her marriage was in trouble. What raced across my mind - adultery, drunkenness, abuse, laziness, debt - were all off-target as she described her husband as a kind, hard working, diligent, faithful man who loved God, served Him, his wife and children. "So what’s the problem?" I asked. She replied, "He is obsessed with his work - never thinks about anything else. He is always 'on call’, and I feel like I have half a husband most the time. When he finally comes home from work late, he can hardly remember what the family was doing, or has scheduled to do, in order to enter into any time of informed discussion with us."
A workaholic, we might conclude. But there are several varieties, the most difficult one of whom, I believe, is the one who works out of fear, because that is the one most easily hidden under the guise of diligence, wanting to be a good testimony to "pull my weight at work", and other rationalizations. After all, the guy who buys the huge house, or the second new boat or airplane, may give away his materialism, but someone who is "unusually diligent" continually gets pats on the back, as he continues to over-achieve, driven by fear of either losing his job or losing the praise to which he has become accustomed. A common rationalization I have used is "after all, a godly man needs to provide for his family."
It was interesting to me that this woman was seemingly as hurt, as desperate and as lonely as any woman who has experienced her husband’s involvement in one of the "big sins". It was amazing that she felt
the same rejection,
the same lack of love,
the same neglect,
the same insignificance, and
the same pain, as the woman who had the alcoholic, or unfaithful husband.
In fact the woman said, "At least the woman who married the drunk probably had some times when she felt needed, and cared about, even though alcohol was stealing her husband away." Most of the pat answers that went through my mind didn’t seem to fit. So I suggested that she:
1. Continue to pray for her husband, imploring God to show him his sin.
2. Do a personal study on our relationship with Christ, hoping that she could talk to him about his off-center relationship with Christ and lack of Christ-confidence in his life.
3. Find another man, perhaps a businessman, who would be willing to disciple her husband beginning with the keys to building a deeper oneness with Jesus. Out of our oneness with Christ should flow the energy, affection and attention our family so desperately needs, the world so desperately needs, and the balanced diligence that will cause us to be the worker God calls us to be.
In looking into your life, I encourage you to consider the following:
1. When is the last time I took a day off – I mean, a real day off when I was utterly unplugged and disconnected from the office? How about a week off?
2. When I am at dinner or the ball game, and am checking in, do I call the office, or call home?
3. When I am traveling do I call my voice mail for the office or check my email first before I check with my wife and kids?
4. Is business the business of the day, day and night in my life?
5. Am I secretly trying to be the number one guy in the office, at all costs, giving excuses for the other parts of my life that take second place to that goal?
6. Am I willing to commit with another man to study and memorize Philippians 4:6-7, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 42:10, Psalm 37, and the last half of chapter six of Matthew?
7. What would my wife and children say honestly occupied their dad and husband’s affections, interests, goals, planning, time and heart?
One time a friend asked me how he could overcome his preoccupation with success or failure at work. I said to him, "by getting cancer", to which he exclaimed, "What did you say?!" I said that, because another friend of mine, a project engineer for his company’s research and development division, finally put his life purposes in perspective when he was stricken by colon cancer, and subsequently healed through surgery and the healing touch of our Lord. My friend, the engineer said, "I am never going to get my priorities out of whack again."
What about you and me? Are we going to wait until a trip to the cancer ward to realize that the curse of Genesis 2, that we will have to make a living from the sweat of our brow, has caused us men to have a weakness for over-working, over-doing, over-planning, over-thinking, and over-concerning ourselves with our work 24 hours a day?
When do we need to make the necessary adjustments in our lives? ". . . Now is the acceptable time. . ." 2 Corinthians 6:2b
I am back in New England as this is being sent out, doing a joint Eternal Impact weekend tonight and tomorrow for both CBMC and First Baptist Church in Westminster, Massachusetts. There is a faithful band of men here who are committed to evangelism and discipleship. Please lift up this conference to the Lord for much fruit.
We have had some incredible blessings as we have ministered this last month. Susy will report on that soon. We are grateful for your partnership with us in this wonderful work of Christ.
Because He lives,
Phil for the Downers |
